How 'bout them NASCARs?

By DAVID GREEN

Anybody remember Mason Williams, the musician-songwriter-artist-poet-screenwriter who rose to prominence in the 1960s with the old Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour? Among other things, Williams gave us the great acoustical guitar instrumental Classical Gas.

He also gave us an off-the-beaten-path collection of writings titled Them Poems, with such memorable subjects as "Them Dog Kickers," "Them Moose Goosers" and "Them Yodelers."

You're surely wondering by now, what does all this have to do with racing? Well, in honor of the new season about to begin, I have attempted a Them Poems-style piece on stock car racing, following the classical Williams formula and the irreverent disregard for conventional rules of grammar and usage.

I picked out some of the archtypical notions about our favorite sport at which I might poke fun, including the relatively new idea of "NASCAR" as a noun that refers to a car that races in NASCAR events and the lightning-rod Tom Cruise movie all of us either love or hate, or love to hate, or hate to love.

Without further ado:

Them NASCARs

How 'bout them NASCARs?
Ain't they a sight?
Usually turnin' left,
Seldom to the right.

Revvin' they engines,
Burnin' they rubber,
Beatin' and a-bangin'
Upon one-anudder.

Racin' Daytona,
Other tracks, too
Racin' on old tracks,
Racin' on new.

Days of Thunder NASCARs,
Rubbin' and racin'
Some of them's a-leadin',
Others are a-chasin'.

Them rippin', snortin' NASCARs,
Roarin' and a-goin',
Keepin' up the pace
Til their engines are a-blowin'.

How to be a NASCAR?
Easy to describe it;
Git ch'self a NASCAR,
Climb in and drive it.

(Just in case this may have jogged somebody's memory or, even better, aroused somebody's curiosity, said somebodys are urged to check out The Official Mason Williams website.)