Subscribe to this blog's feed« No rage about the roads from this corner | Main | Talking points as mid-season approaches »
June 22, 2006
If I were the NASCAR King
By Mike Harper Here I go out of character again, so please forgive me. In my daily scan of the Internet for news, dirt and other worthy reading material, I found myself wondering what life would be like if I were the NASCAR King. I’m sure many of you have played this little game in your mind before. It’s like this, if I were Jack Roush, I would’ve never hired Jamie McMurray. (Just kidding Jamie – it’s an example for heaven sakes) Well, I’ll give this a try and then lets see what you’ve got!
If I were the NASCAR King, Adam Sandler would say "Gentleman start your engines" at every Cup event from now until the end of the season. Sandler was on Late Night with Conan O’Brien and he was wearing a No. 9 Dodge baseball cap. I think he’s hooked! If I were the NASCAR King, Johnny Benson would be in a full-time Cup ride. Not just some chump ride, but a well-funded team in excellent equipment. I bet he’d do a better job than some of these young-guns out there! If I were the NASCAR King, I’d take possession of Gene Haas’ private jet since he won’t be using it for awhile. If I were the NASCAR King, each week every NASCAR racecar would carry the name of a fallen soldier above the passenger side door. If I were the NASCAR King, I’d put Dale Jarrett and Elliott Sadler in Roush cars and put Greg Biffle and Carl Edwards is Yates cars to find out how they’d finish. If I were the NASCAR King, the worst weekend finisher from the Hendrick Motorsports stable would have to be Erin Crocker’s boy toy for the week. Can I say that? If I were the NASCAR King, it would be mandatory that all NASCAR fans and industry insiders check out Lori Munro’s weekly cartoon. Boy do I love her work! If I were the NASCAR King, I’d get to write one of those NASCAR Harlequin romance novels. See honey, I’ve got a romantic side. If I were the NASCAR King, I’d have the Dixie Chicks do a pre-race concert at the next Pocono Cup race. Maybe that would be just the ticket to get one of the Pocono races moved to a more exciting short track! Man, that was bad. My apologies to the Pocono fans. If I were the NASCAR King, TR.com's Mark Young and his wife would cover more races! He’s one cool cat. If I were the NASCAR King, every upcoming young driver would need to watch an educational film on "Just say no to drugs or you’ll be booted from NASCAR" hosted by Shane Hmiel. If I were the NASCAR King, it would’ve been in Scott Riggs’ contract that he must wear swim shoes when in the water. If I were the NASCAR King, $1 of every ticket sold at NASCAR races would go to a NASCAR charity. If I were the NASCAR King, drivers would do their own prosecuting. Needless to say I miss rivalries. If I were the NASCAR King, race winners would get 100 bonus points. If I were the NASCAR King, there would be a conflict of interest rule in NASCAR. How can a driver race against his own car? If I were the NASCAR King, I’d bring back the $1 million fan give-a-ways! If I were the NASCAR King, sorry Kansas but I’d kick your race date out of the chase and replace it with Bristol Baby! Now, enough of me! Give it a shot.
June 22, 2006 | Permalink
Comments
Hey Mike!! Didn't you mean fat cat instead of cool? Thanks for the props.
Loved the fallen soldier on the door idea.
Posted by: Mark | Jun 22, 2006 5:56:37 PM
If I was King I would make everyone qualify on speed, no exceptions.
Posted by: Mark | Jun 22, 2006 5:57:20 PM
As soon as I get a napkin to clean off the KB from the beer I snorted out I will reply...LOL a beer foul. Now I have to go to the end of the longest 7/11 line.
Posted by: Keith | Jun 22, 2006 6:09:57 PM
WAVES TO KEITH AS HE PASSES ME
If I was King...
I would start all races in reverse Qualifying order. You make the field on time, no make the time no make the show.
Keith bring back a couple cases this could be a BIG ONE
Posted by: trucker | Jun 22, 2006 6:19:42 PM
Mike,
Great, Great, Great creative topic. Will just do a one for now but more keep coming to mind:
If I were King......
The Law of the Kingdom would be written in Royal (non disappearing) ink, well bound in Royal Leather and paper and placed proudly on a pedestle for all the Kingdom to see.
Posted by: Keith | Jun 22, 2006 6:24:29 PM
Hey Keith
like that'll ever happen
you believe in "The Easy Button?"
Posted by: trucker | Jun 22, 2006 6:28:15 PM
Trucker,
Mike gave us the "Easy Button." He said, "If You Were King." How easy does it get?
Posted by: Keith | Jun 22, 2006 6:42:09 PM
If I where King of Nascar...
1) We'd STILL be running at North Wilkesboro, Rockingham, and Darlington ON LABOR DAY!
2) The COT would never exist- Templates that fit the racecars...would fit the street versions too!
3) NASCAR is an AMERICAN SPORT! SO WE RACE IN AMERICA, Besides any Mexican NASCAR Fans are ALREADY here...Canada?...I'm sorry YOU gave us Alanis Morrsette!
4)ARCA would team up with Cup...And Busch and Truck would hit the South Bostons, Mrtyle Beaches along with some of the "Name Tracks"
5) the Lucky dog would be retired...race your damn way back to the lead lap, Robbie Gordon did
6) You qualify on SPEED...run with the BIG dogs or go home!!!
7) There's NO CRYING in NASCAR...see rules 5 and 6
8)Washington state and New York HAVE tracks...there called Sonoma, California, Phoenix, Pocono, Watkins Glen, Dover, and New Hampshire...DEAL with it! see #5 and #6
9)The season wouls Start at Daytona...and end at Daytona
10) I'd appoint Keith, Marc, Mark, Mike, Diane, Shirley, Trucker, David and Mike Daly to my staff and WE would bring NASCAR to the forfront of todays sports!
Posted by: Tbfka# 5 | Jun 22, 2006 6:44:33 PM
"If I where King of Nascar...
1) We'd STILL be running at North Wilkesboro, Rockingham,
and Darlington ON LABOR DAY!:"
LOL
Tbfka#5
when I first read you post I had to laugh.
3 tracks on labor day.I know,lol, I know you meant
that racing would return to N Wilksboro and Rockingham
and Darlington would get it's Labor Day race back
I REALLY PONDERED THIS
really hard pondered this
SO
If I were "King of Nascar"
An Allstar format would be run with winners of
the last 2 years and all active Champions
and consist of Qualifying and running in 3 segments
a 15 a 30 and a 50 lap race and the 50 lap segment has to have
a green flag pit stop.
and run at N Wilksboro friday night and Rochingham saturday night
and on sunday night at Darlington
one primary car and a backup,no car changes allowed,
you have to have a valid reason
to go to the back up
any way 3 nights 3 races and these would be for points
and think of the fans that would be so lucky to get tickets
of course all us "turn 3er's" would get passes
Posted by: trucker | Jun 22, 2006 7:58:08 PM
Ahhhh, more Kingly edicts.
Were I King, I would make the points system just. Our finest knights would be rewarded handsomely for victories. For it is Victory which sustains the kingdom...not even once shall meager excuses such as my steed lost a shoe but I came close gain the royal ear. Loyalty and perseverence have thine own rewards...the day belongs to the victor!
Due to the Magic of the evil temptresses Diane and Shirley we have "The Chase." They are strong and so it remains...But, as King, I would change venues among the kingdom. Allowing enough time for serf changes, wagon reloadings, minor skirmishes etc. the events would rotate freely and not fill the coffers of a few, but of all the loyal sites.
Posted by: Keith | Jun 22, 2006 8:03:32 PM
If I were King I would double, nay triple the height of yonder chainlink fencing surrounding the kingdom palaces of Daytona and Talladega. This would enable my technical squires to allow removal of restrictor plates from thy noble steeds.
Posted by: Mark | Jun 22, 2006 9:15:48 PM
If I were KING of NASCAR....
I, yes I would be driving the #9, or the #16, or the # 48... or....
Geesh... I can't believe you people missed that! Am I the only selfish old coot around here?
Dont' answer that!!!
Oh and BTW, If I were KING of NASCAR the Chase would include one road course and one dirt bull ring, Eldora will do just fine.
Posted by: Marc | Jun 22, 2006 10:15:57 PM
Yes, Yes Prince Marc. Off to bed...You may ride the Royal Merry-go-Round tomorrow, in whichever Knights carriage you wish. Sheesh didn't we get him a nanny? Always causing trouble that one is.....
Posted by: Keith | Jun 22, 2006 10:26:29 PM
I retired from the "nanny" Keith, as you did :-)
Posted by: Marc | Jun 23, 2006 1:08:15 PM
I don't have time to think, let alone type all I would like to accomplish. But the first would be:
Tbfka# 5 would be in charge of PR (thank you). Keith would be in charge of IT. Bob Henry would be in charge of media relations. Mike, Mark, and David would be in the conrol tower. Jason would spot for all of our faves. Trucker would be sure we all got where we needed to be. And Diane would be in charge of 'supplies' - and LOTS of it!
Finally, the television broadcast would be video only with MRN audio.
Now back to my REAL job.
Posted by: Shirley | Jun 23, 2006 2:01:45 PM
I wouldn't retire from the Nanny if she was hot.
Posted by: Mark | Jun 23, 2006 3:24:32 PM
Ahhhhh, a lil french nanny in lingerie. It's good to be King!
Posted by: Keith | Jun 23, 2006 5:40:48 PM
What a real NASCAR King would do -
- we'd have no Chase; we'd instead have a real point system, one that DIRECTLY REQUIRES winning the most races and leading the most laps - then we'd see the drivers, ALL of them, left with no choice but to fight all-out for the win every race.
- we'd have a rules package that makes the draft everything, that leaves no impediment to passing or sidedrafting, and allows cars no matter where they qualify or restart to pass the entire field under green, with the speeds within what the tracks can hanlde - sorry, but no more new track records (forget about bigger fences Mark, we need restrictor plates and roof spoilers for all tracks).
- not only would no track lose a date (Sorry Mike, but your cheapshot about the Dixie Chicks and Pocono, a superior track to Bristol and all the other short tracks plus most of thye big speedways, isn't funny) but tracks like Vegas would get second dates and the only markets that would get dates are markets that support racing - that means yes to Kentucky and no to Washington State and New York City.
- we'd have the sanctioning body stop competinmg against local tracks and instead work with local tracks for everyone's benefit - no more Saturday Night Winston Cup; instead we'd have cross-promotions with local tracks and better cooperation between Winston Cup and the local tracks.
- we'd see NASCAR also work together with IRL for the benefit of both - no more Indy 500-World 600 conflict on Sunday, for one; Indy on Sunday and Charlotte on Monday, plus more cross-promotion.
- we'd have a strong system of team revenue sharing plus a hard spending and team cap; three cars and no more; no engine leases, no secrets kept away from other teams - all teams must be allowed the wherewithal to build their own engines.
- Buschwackers would be outlawed and serious money and attention would be provided to NASCAR's lower-level touring series - the Modifieds, for one, would get renewed attention and would race on more big tracks like Pocono as well as their present schedule of short tracks.
- no more of the stupid Lucky Dog and field freeze rule - go back to racing to the caution.
- no All-Star Race - the concept has outlived its utility.
Posted by: Mike Daly | Jun 23, 2006 11:52:35 PM
Darn, forgot a few things -
- no policing of push-drafting and no yellow-line rule - if it's paved, it's fair game, and you physically speed up the guy ahead of you all you want; slam his butt out of 20th into the lead then pass him.
- To participating automobile and tire companies (yes, tire companies, no more Goodyear monopoly, you race against Firestone and Hoosier-tired racecars), you'll be subjected to the same tightness of rules; you will not be allowed to price other brands out of contention; if you try, you'll be cut down to fair size.
Posted by: Mike Daly | Jun 23, 2006 11:57:40 PM
Can You beleive it Johnny Benson does it AGAIN! Congratulations to the # 23 Bill Davis Toyota Tundra team!
Posted by: Tbfka# 5 | Jun 24, 2006 12:20:41 AM
Ho-hum, Toyota wins again.
Posted by: Mike Daly | Jun 24, 2006 12:54:50 AM
Plates on every track? Pocono better than Bristol?
You need to remember to take your medication every day Daly.......
Posted by: Mark | Jun 24, 2006 1:06:18 AM
Mark, yes and yes. The plates work and Pocono always has better racing than the wreckfest called Bristol. Take your own medication, you need it more than I do.
Posted by: Mike Daly | Jun 24, 2006 1:14:29 AM
My point MD and I think many do agree with me, Pocono is about as exciting as a Chick concert. Both aren't selling out and to watch it on the tube puts me to sleep. I know for a fact most drivers love Pocono, but based on the TV ratings the folks are working on their honey-do-lists and not watching the Pocono race. Plus, I have a good feeling that if you took a poll people would rather watch a Bristol race over Pocono any day of the week. Just my opinion, but I do respect your opinion about Pocono my friend.
Posted by: MikeHarper | Jun 24, 2006 3:03:34 AM
If I were QUEEN of NA$CAR I would agree with the following:
Yes to fallen soldiers name.
Apologies to the Pocono fans. And apologies to all who had to read the name of that band. Pocono would no longer be a race track.
Everyone qualify on speed, no exceptions.
AMERICAN SPORT! SO WE RACE IN AMERICA.
The Lucky dog would be retired.
Appointing Keith, Marc, Mark, Mike, Diane, Shirley, Trucker, David to the staff and WE would bring NASCAR to the forefront of today’s sports!
Evil temptresses Diane and Shirley. You have no idea how evil we can be…!
And Diane would be in charge of 'supplies' - and LOTS of it! Keith what color do you want the missing devise in?
Daly would take his medication every day.
Buschwackers would be outlawed.
At every race the National Anthem would be sung by someone who knows how to sing.
I'm sure there are other thing I would change, but I just got home form work and it's after 3:00 AM. So Good Night for now.
Posted by: Diane | Jun 24, 2006 3:05:08 AM
Post a comment
Advertisements
