If I were the NASCAR King

By Mike Harper

Here I go out of character again, so please forgive me.

In my daily scan of the Internet for news, dirt and other worthy reading material, I found myself wondering what life would be like if I were the NASCAR King. I’m sure many of you have played this little game in your mind before. It’s like this, if I were Jack Roush, I would’ve never hired Jamie McMurray. (Just kidding Jamie – it’s an example for heaven sakes)

Well, I’ll give this a try and then lets see what you’ve got!

If I were the NASCAR King, Adam Sandler would say "Gentleman start your engines" at every Cup event from now until the end of the season. Sandler was on Late Night with Conan O’Brien and he was wearing a No. 9 Dodge baseball cap. I think he’s hooked!

If I were the NASCAR King, Johnny Benson would be in a full-time Cup ride. Not just some chump ride, but a well-funded team in excellent equipment. I bet he’d do a better job than some of these young-guns out there!

If I were the NASCAR King, I’d take possession of Gene Haas’ private jet since he won’t be using it for awhile.

If I were the NASCAR King, each week every NASCAR racecar would carry the name of a fallen soldier above the passenger side door.

If I were the NASCAR King, I’d put Dale Jarrett and Elliott Sadler in Roush cars and put Greg Biffle and Carl Edwards is Yates cars to find out how they’d finish.

If I were the NASCAR King, the worst weekend finisher from the Hendrick Motorsports stable would have to be Erin Crocker’s boy toy for the week. Can I say that?

If I were the NASCAR King, it would be mandatory that all NASCAR fans and industry insiders check out Lori Munro’s weekly cartoon. Boy do I love her work!

If I were the NASCAR King, I’d get to write one of those NASCAR Harlequin romance novels. See honey, I’ve got a romantic side.

If I were the NASCAR King, I’d have the Dixie Chicks do a pre-race concert at the next Pocono Cup race. Maybe that would be just the ticket to get one of the Pocono races moved to a more exciting short track! Man, that was bad. My apologies to the Pocono fans.

If I were the NASCAR King, TR.com's Mark Young and his wife would cover more races! He’s one cool cat.

If I were the NASCAR King, every upcoming young driver would need to watch an educational film on "Just say no to drugs or you’ll be booted from NASCAR" hosted by Shane Hmiel.

If I were the NASCAR King, it would’ve been in Scott Riggs’ contract that he must wear swim shoes when in the water.

If I were the NASCAR King, $1 of every ticket sold at NASCAR races would go to a NASCAR charity.

If I were the NASCAR King, drivers would do their own prosecuting. Needless to say I miss rivalries.

If I were the NASCAR King, race winners would get 100 bonus points.

If I were the NASCAR King, there would be a conflict of interest rule in NASCAR. How can a driver race against his own car?

If I were the NASCAR King, I’d bring back the $1 million fan give-a-ways!

If I were the NASCAR King, sorry Kansas but I’d kick your race date out of the chase and replace it with Bristol Baby!

Now, enough of me! Give it a shot.